Want To
by frakkingblerg
Summary: One-shot New Years Special. Both women want to jump into the next phase of their relationship for the New Year, but uncertainty gets in the way. Brenda/Sharon are an established couple.


_"Yeah we both got dreams we could chase alone, or we could make our own." __**Sugarland, 'Want To'**_

* * *

_One Mississippi._

Sharon took a deep breath; her girlfriend could be the most infuriating person in the world. And now she'd gone ahead and ditched her.

_Two Mississippi._

Was she seriously acting like this? She was 48 years old, not 2. She shouldn't even be the one upset about their current situation.

_Three Mississippi. _

She could do this; she wouldn't allow Brenda to provoke her into a full on screaming match.

_Four Mississippi._

The brunette was finally feeling calm enough to speak without completely loosing it, or bursting into tears.

_Five Mississippi._

"I just don't understand why you're the one mad about this, Brenda."

"Because all of this fightin' affects me too, Shar. Or did you forget that bein' in a relationship meant you had to consider someone else's feelings?"

_13 hours earlier…_

Brenda slowly opened her eyes, sun peaking through the curtains. Looking over at the clock, she noted the time, 9:06. Even on the weekends, when she was supposed to be making up all that lost sleep, she could never stay in bed much past 9. Sharon, however, would sleep all day if the younger woman allowed her. Normally, the blonde would idly stroke the Captains side (or back, stomach, really anywhere she could reach) until she woke up. The brunette was rather ticklish, something Brenda found completely adorable and convenient, so it didn't take too long before she registered the attention being paid on where ever the Chief's hand had wandered. But today was New Years Eve, so she would let the brunette sleep. After all, they had a late night planned and she wanted to make sure Sharon was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed come midnight. They had also enjoyed a rather long love-making session the evening before, and the Brenda was counting on another round after they got home later. Inching out of the bed carefully, as not to wake the older woman, she grabbed some sleep shorts and a tank and headed downstairs. Perhaps she would attempt to make them breakfast? On second thought, that never ended well. Coffee was much easier and didn't involve too much skill.

Sharon felt someone shaking her side. Rolling over, she tightly squeezed her eyes shut, hoping that annoying blonde would just go away and let her sleep. It was the weekend, and the older woman was definitely not a morning person. Unfortunately, Brenda was not letting her off easy and she soon heard curtains being pulled open and light was pouring in.

"Five more minutes," whined the sleepy brunette, throwing a pillow over her head for dramatic effect.

"Babyyyy, wake up. I've been up for the last two hours while you've been sleepin'. I'm bored." Brenda jumped on top of the Captain and straddled her, pulling the pillow from her face. Smiling at her still very sleepy girlfriend, she planted a light kiss on her forehead, then nose, then lips.

"Brenda Leigh, you're not two. Go watch TV or better yet, go clean up the guest room. I'm worn out, thanks in large part to you and our escapades last night," sighed the older woman, attempting to roll over and out of the blondes grasp.

"Escapades? We've been dating for what, 9 months now, I would hardly call them escapades anymore…And I don't wanna clean, I wanna do somethin' with you. So wake up!"

"Fine, I'm awake. But honey, you're going to have to clean that room sometime. I'm tired of all your stuff lying around without a home. Oh, and have you spoken to your landlord about terminating your lease…." Sharon tilted her head and looked into those big brown eyes, attempting to convey how serious she was about the younger woman actually getting everything in order.

"Whoa, what's with the third degree, Shar? I thought you were tired? We'll talk about that later. Right now I want some coffee and then maybe you," smirked the blonde, getting up and throwing Sharon her robe from the storage bench in the corner. All she wanted was some caffeine, food, and an orgasm or two, in no particular order. What she was not interested in was yet another conversation about breaking her lease. The brunette had given her a key almost four months ago, an attempt to show that she was just as invested in their relationship as the younger woman. Brenda had been able to stay, even when her girlfriend wasn't around and didn't have to worry about syncing their schedules during the week if they wanted to spend the night together. It was a pretty big step in both of their minds. Then right before Thanksgiving, Sharon had officially asked her to move in. The blonde was ecstatic, and totally caught of guard, considering the older woman had been a little hot and cold when it came to their holiday plans and splitting time between families. Well, if she was honest, the Captain was rather hot and cold about their relationship in general. Not to say Brenda didn't feel loved, but the brunette was not always the most forthcoming with her feelings. And there was still so much the younger woman didn't know about her, so many things that she avoided discussing. The Chief was basically an open book, she wasn't too keen on walling up once she committed to another person. Not to mention, Sharon had examined her file on countless occasions, so it wasn't like she could really hide anything. Plans had been made and they'd gone through most of the Chief's things on Black Friday, choosing what would go and what could be given away. They had filled up a few carloads with Brenda's belongings that weekend, but things had stalled since. She knew she wanted to be with Sharon forever, but the idea of giving up her last fallback option was absolutely terrifying. Not because she wasn't invested, she was just frightened that the brunette would come to her senses and realize the younger woman wasn't what she really wanted. The last 9 months had been amazing, but there was still a voice in the back of her head, telling her that one day, Sharon would leave, just like everyone else. With all the other things Brenda had been through in the last two years, she wasn't sure she would ever be able to recover if they broke up. She had been in a lot of relationships throughout her 48 years, but this one was different. And all the Chief wanted to know was that Sharon felt the same. Only then would she seriously consider investing completely.

After a lovely brunch, thanks exclusively to Sharon, the two settled in to the living room for some quality cuddling time. There were still a few hours left before they needed to start getting ready for Lieutenant Tao's New Year's Eve extravaganza. Instead of their usual Maui getaway for Christmas, the Tao's had decided to rent a beachfront condo in Malibu for the holiday week and invited the entire Major Crimes division and their significant others and families to ring in the New Year. While the team was well aware that the two women were dating, this would be the first time they attended a real event as a couple. There had been a few bar nights here and there, but overall they attempted to keep it professional around the Chief's boys.

The brunette was mindlessly surfing channels, Brenda's head in her lap. Settling on yet another rewatch of _Jurassic Park_ (Sharon's favorite movie, the blonde would never understand why), they took this rare opportunity to quietly enjoy a lazy afternoon. Just as the raptors were chasing the two scientists and their children companions into the main hall, Brenda's phone rang, alerting her of a new message. The blonde rolled her eyes, not at all interested in moving to retrieve the object. Almost immediately, it rang again, a second message. Realizing it might actually be something important, but not wanting to move from the warmth of Sharon's lap or disrupt their cuddling if it wasn't important, she decided to make the brunette deal with it instead. After all, the phone was right next to her on the end table.

"Baby, can you check my phone? If it's not someone important textin' all those times, I'll answer them later," mumbled the blonde, paying more attention to the screen. This movie always managed to suck her in, even thought it was completely ridiculous.

"Uhhh Brenda, what the…Why is Fritz texting you?" Sharon was shocked, and more than a little pissed, to find his name flashing across the younger woman's phone screen. It was actually hard to form the words, this man had been nothing but horrible to both women for months. The Captain knew he would be upset to find out they had started seeing each other after the separation, but his actions had gone well beyond normal jealousy. First there were the accusations of an affair, which everyone knew the older woman would never let happen. She had always been hopelessly attracted to Brenda, but never acted on those feelings until she had legally separated from Fritz. Then came some rather uncalled for emails, to both women, where he shared every dirty little secret of Brenda's, using it as leverage to hopefully end their still new relationship. For over 6 months, the man had been a black cloud over their collective heads, causing more than one unnecessary fight. And now the blonde was talking to him again? Sharon needed to get some air, or shoot something, and quickly, before she literally exploded.

Brenda could see the anger in those green eyes and she braced herself for impact. Lifting her head out of the Captain's lap, she slowly scooted to the opposite side of the couch. Sharon shot up, heading for the door to the backyard.

"Sharon, wait," called the blonde, tripping behind her and grabbing for the older woman's arm.

"If I do not get out of this house, I swear to God I'll…" The Captain attempted to wiggle free, but Brenda's grasp was just too tight.

"You'll what? Baby, I can explain …" Turning the older woman to actually face her, she let her arm drop and took a step back, mindlessly chewing at her lip. This was not looking good.

"Don't 'baby' me, you can't seriously be talking to him again? After all the shit he put us through the first few months? I'm sure you can understand why I'm just a little confused as to what the fuck you're thinking by bringing him back into our lives." Sharon literally wanted to shake the blonde, there was no way this was happening. Instead she opted to place her head in her hand, rubbing at the headache that was beginning to form.

"Fritz is not back in our lives. He called Mama after Thanksgiving, tellin' her that he was sorry for all that he put me through and that he just wanted a chance to talk, to apologize. Of course she didn't give him much time to explain, but she did tell me he called. I didn't want him bringin' my parents into this and I figured if he had a chance to explain himself, maybe he would leave everyone alone for good."

Sharon's brain was in overdrive, she was having a hard time keeping up with her thoughts. Maybe this was why Brenda was so hesitant about discussing when she would actually end her lease and move the last of her things in. Were they attempting to reconcile?

"Are you planning on getting back together with him?" The brunette shot her girlfriend a challenging stare, green meeting brown. Hopefully, the Captain would be able to discern the truth in the younger woman's eyes.

"You can't be serious."

"Is this why you won't talk to your landlord? So you guys can just go back to the apartment and pick up where you left off?" And there it was, Sharon's worst fear, spoken aloud. Brenda really didn't want to be with her, this was just some mid-life crisis, and the Captain was stupid enough to fall into the trap. Now that she was almost back to being single, she would have more than enough time to beat herself up over that little error in judgement.

"Jesus Sharon, that has nothin' to do with Fritz. Do you really think I'm that stupid? That I would get back with someone who made my life and yours a living hell?"

"Well then, what's the problem? I feel like I've been more than accommodating, so if you're not interested in continuing this relationship then we probably should just…" Brenda was not about to let this conversation continue, she couldn't handle yet another discussion about how maybe they would be better off without each other.

"That! That is why I won't break my lease and move everything, because it's so easy for you to throw all this away. Most of the time, I have no idea how you feel about us. I make one mistake in your mind, and you're ready to break it off. And what happens if I move in, then you decide it's not what you want? Or I do somethin' else to upset you? I have nowhere to go, and nothin' of my own. It would be much easier if you would just talk to me. Instead you make these grand gestures, like askin' me to move in, then get all flustered when I mention spendin' Christmas with both our families, together. So which is it? Can you not live without me? Or do you not really want to be in this relationship? Once you figure it out, maybe you could let me know. Until then, I'm goin' back to my place." And with one last huff, she stormed out of the room and upstairs to collect a few essential belongings. The brunette didn't try to stop her, she wasn't interested in continuing an argument in which she had done nothing wrong.

Sharon didn't hear from the Chief for the rest of the day, and she was surely not going to be the first one to wave the white flag. After all, Brenda was the one talking to that man, inviting him back into their lives. And she had spent the better part of the last few hours going over the fight in her head, rationalizing how this had nothing to do with her. But, it was now almost 7, and the Captain was unsure if they were still going to Tao's party. She decided a text wouldn't actually count as breaking the silence, and she grabbed for her Blackberry.

_To: Brenda Leigh_

_Should I still be planning on going to Tao's tonight? _

She heard her phone ding almost immediately. The Chief must have been close to her phone, perhaps she was waiting for the older woman to initiate contact.

_From: Brenda Leigh_

_You can do whatever you want. I figured you didn't really want to go anyway - now you have an out. _

Well, that was not helpful at all. Sharon took a moment to consider her options and the current predicament. Maybe this fight wasn't entirely the blonde's doing. This whole relationship had taken the older woman completely by surprise. After almost 20 years in the most unfortunate and loveless marriage possible, she had assumed she missed the opportunity to actually be happy, resigning herself to dying alone. Well, not totally alone. She did have her children and future grandchildren. But a possible companion was never in the cards and she had accepted that. Then one adorable, clumsy, reckless blonde had come crashing into her life, turning it completely upside down. All those characteristics that Sharon found incredibly annoying on every other human were totally endearing on her Chief. However, the older woman wasn't stupid, she was nearing 60, and couldn't possibly give Brenda all that she was looking for. And the more the younger woman threw herself into the relationship, the more the brunette held back. Hoping, beyond hope, that by not giving away her whole heart, she would be able to survive once the fall out occurred. She knew it was bound to happen, the bottom always dropped. Asking the blonde to move in was one of the most terrifying things she'd done. Each time Brenda skirted around getting rid of her apartment, another wall went up to protect Sharon from the eventual heartache. What she hadn't considered, however, was the fact that her walls may be what was driving the blonde to reconsider. At that moment, Sharon made a decision. She would try jumping in, and hope Brenda felt the same. New Years seemed like a great time to throw caution to the wind. Maybe this wouldn't work out, but if she didn't at least try, she would look back with regret. And the Captain was certainly not interested in living the rest of her life saying 'what if.' First order of business, getting ready for this party in an attempt to show the younger woman she was serious about making this work.

Sharon had selected her favorite Valentino cocktail dress for the occasion, a black jersey sheath dress, with bow belt detailing. Arriving fashionably late, a little after 9, she noted Brenda's car was not parked anywhere on the street. She took one last breath before ringing the doorbell, formulating an excuse to give the boys regarding her girlfriend's delay. By 10, the brunette had made the rounds and was beginning to worry that the Chief wasn't coming. Excusing herself from a rather boring conversation, mostly between Flynn and Provenza with the Captain occasionally nodding in agreement (They had, what did Brenda call it? A bromance?), she walked down the hall and grabbed her blackberry. Opening a back door to the deck and an incredible beach view, she stepped outside and called the blonde.

"Yes, Captain?" Was Brenda seriously reverting back to rank? This was going to be harder than Sharon thought. Good thing she knew the blonde, she would kill her with a little kindness.

"Hey Brenda Leigh, where are you? Everyone here misses you, including me," husked the older woman.

"Well, just tell'em I'll see them bright and early Monday morning, and I'm sorry I couldn't make it tonight."

"You're not serious? You aren't coming?"

"No, Sharon, I'm not. I don't really want to see you, or anyone else for that matter," deadpanned the Chief.

"I just don't understand why you're the one mad about this, Brenda."

"Because all of this fightin' affects me too, Shar. Or did you forget that bein' in a relationship meant you had to consider someone else's feelings?" For the second time today, Brenda found herself practically ranting like a small child.

"I'm trying, but it's hard to consider your feelings if you if you won't give me a chance. Please, come to this horribly awkward party, if only to save me from having to kiss Provenza at midnight. I don't want the New Year to start like this," pleaded the brunette, voice cracking as she realized they really might not get past this.

"I just, I'm sorry, I don't think it's a good idea for me to come," muttered the Chief as she hung up.

Sharon wiped furiously at her face, attempting to hide the tears. Nothing would be worse than Major Crimes seeing her cry, especially since they already seemed quite confused about her attendance, sans the Chief. Putting on her best Captain Raydor façade, she marched back into the party, head held high. She wouldn't leave until after midnight, and she would try to enjoy herself. Hopefully it might even get back to the blonde that she was more than just a thorn in the division's side.

It took Brenda about five seconds after hanging up to decide she couldn't handle making the brunette upset, even if it was over the phone. Sharon never allowed her emotions to get the best of her, and hearing her cry, she realized how much she had hurt the Captain. Thankfully, she had picked up their dry cleaning on the way back to her apartment and she had the perfect dress in mind. She just hoped she could get to the party in time.

The doorbell rang at exactly 11:28, and in strolled one very fashionably late blonde. Deep in conversation with Cathy Tao in the kitchen, Sharon didn't initially notice the younger woman's arrival. Once Brenda had exchanged pleasantries with the boys, who were crowded around the TV, she wandered off to find the brunette. Checking the clock on the wall, she noted it was already almost a quarter till. Hopefully the older woman would still be interested in continuing their relationship in the New Year and she hadn't completely ruined their chance with her ranting and raving.

Sharon saw the younger woman enter the kitchen and did a double take, just to make sure. Her girlfriend (or maybe ex at this point?) was wearing the Michael Kors, black and gold Ikat print dress that the older woman have given her for Christmas. Definitely a positive sign.

"Hey Sharon, Cathy, sorry I'm late," smiled the blonde as she wrapped an arm around the Captain's waist and stood beside her, resting her head on Sharon's shoulder.

"Oh, it's almost midnight. I should probably grab the champagne and check on the guys." Cathy politely excused herself, leaving the two women alone.

"You came," sighed the brunette, turning the Chief and wrapping her in a proper hug.

"Of course I did, Shar. I wouldn't want you kissin' anyone else," chuckled Brenda, planting a light peck on her girlfriend's lips.

"I don't want to fight anymore, I'm sorry. I should have trusted you, when it came to Fritz…and everything else."

"Hey, we can talk about all that later. Right now, I just wanna' enjoy what's left of the party with you." The blonde gave Sharon one last kiss and grabbed for her hand, interlacing their fingers and guiding her to the living room. Gathering around their friends and colleagues, they watched (well rewatched, being on the west coast) the ball drop as the last moments of the year slipped away.

"5, 4, 3, 2, 1….Happy New Year!" The room rang out with cheers.

"Happy New Year, Brenda Leigh," husked the older woman, puling her girlfriend in close.

"Happy New Year to you too, Baby. I'm glad I get to share it with you" The blonde lightly grazed their lips together, before skimming the older woman's bottom lip with her tongue, begging for access into that perfect mouth. Their kiss was passionate, and sweet, the anger and uncertainty dissolving with each passing moment. Neither wanted it to end, but Sharon finally pulled away, pressing her forehead against the blonde's.

"Don't want to give the boys too much of a show. Or a heart attack, in Provenza's case," quipped the Captain, smiling down at her companion.

"What do you say we get out of here? Maybe take a walk on the beach?" The blonde had planned a rather romantic evening in hopes of getting back into Sharon's good graces, post the ball drop.

"Brenda, its midnight and rather chilly. Oh, and I'm wearing heels."

"Well, good thing I brought blankets, jackets, and even some warm shoes. Although it'll be a shame to see you takin' those off," smirked the younger women, pointing at the brunette's gorgeous legs in rather high heels.

"Hmm, sounds like someone had a plan all along. Let me just grab my stuff and we can head out."

They said their goodbyes and headed to Brenda's car to deposit their purses. The blonde produced two pairs of Uggs, jackets, and a handful of blankets for the beach. Additionally, she had brought sweatpants, just in case.

"Brenda, I'm not really wearing a dress that is beach appropriate, even with boots and a jacket."

"Come on, live a little. Besides, we can always get'em cleaned," Brenda began to pout, knowing the older woman couldn't resist.

"Fine, you win. But if we're too cold, or sandy, we're coming back to the car," groaned the Captain, grabbing for warmer clothes.

After both women had bundled up in boots and jackets, they headed for the beach. The blonde really had planned almost everything, including champagne. Unfortunately she forgot glasses, so the pair was forced to sit on a blanket, passing the bottle back and forth like a couple of high schoolers. Neither minded too much, it was just nice to enjoy a peaceful moment together without fighting. Noticing the older woman shiver, Brenda picked up the spare blanket, wrapping it around her shoulders then opening her arms for the brunette to nestle in.

"Come here, baby. You're lookin' rather chilly."

"Thanks," breathed the older woman, giving her girlfriend a quick peck before settling into her side. They shared a few more minutes of silence before Sharon began to speak, sitting up to face the blonde.

"I just wanted to say, I'm sorry about today. Actually, I'm sorry in general. I love you so much and I know I don't always tell you how much you mean to me. But in my wildest dreams, I never imagined being here, with you. Everyday I wake up, hoping you're still there. I've spent so many years alone and I just assumed that's how it would always be. Then you came along and I remembered how nice it was to share my life with someone else. And I know you always say you're all in and you're not going anywhere…But what happens if this ends? I just don't want to get too comfortable and then have the rug pulled out from under me. And when you wouldn't even talk about calling your landlord…" Sharon swallowed, attempting to rid herself of the lump forming in her throat. She gave the blonde a sad smile, and hoped she would understand how terrified she was, but how much she wanted this to work.

"Shhhh, Shar, I'm not goin' anywhere. I love you too," whispered the Chief, puling Sharon into her body for a hug. Once the older woman had calmed down, Brenda pulled back to look at her girlfriend.

"Hey, what if we call my landlord right now? Let him know I won't be renewin' come February?"

"It's after 1, Brenda Leigh. You can't be serious?" protested the brunette.

"I can leave a message. Besides, I wanna' start the New Year off with you, in _our home_. And I couldn't think of a more perfect time to jump in then right now."

* * *

_"We could keep things just the same, leave here the way we came with nothing to lose. But I don't want to, if you don't want to" __**Sugarland, 'Want To'**_

Happy New Year, everyone!


End file.
